Introduction
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This week’s MSLD521 blog is about breaking the ice to get a
conversation started and then keeping the conversation going. Mckay, Davis
& Fanning (2007) claim “You only have to know how to do three things to
make good conversation: ask questions, listen actively, and disclose a little
about yourself.” (p. 213). I believe this claim to be true. The examples used
in the text and the personal experience I have had all give strong support
for this claim.
Upbringing Played a Role
My memories of when I started school and began interacting
with other children are pretty vivid. As early as the 1st grade I
was the “life of the party”. All the cute girls wanted to be around me and some
of the boys were noticeably miffed I was receiving a disproportionate amount of
attention. I remember I wasn't afraid to
talk to anybody and at that age I think this had more to do with my self-confidence
than it did with any listening skills or being comfortable disclosing personal
information about myself. To this I owe my mother who nurtured my self
confidence in a very healthy way. I
believe this laid the ground work for me being able to strike up a conversation
with complete strangers so easily.
Prior USAF Training
Like other teenage boys, the teenage years brought some
doubt on all of the self-confidence I had as a young man. Suddenly I stopped
approaching the cute girls and developed more introverted tendencies. Hard to
put my finger on why that was. At age 17 I decided to join the USAF and boy was
that a great decision! I know there are
likely some people who will roll their eyes up…”oh geez, not another military
story”, but I have seen training on both the civilian side and the USAF side
and I will take the USAF training over civilian training (excluding adult higher education) more often than not. I learned so many
valuable skills in the USAF that is hard to quantify. Listening and other
communication skills were taught from day one until the day I retired. During my time in the USAF, I became
an instructor that advanced further my presentation and
listening skills and is where I learned “how to work a room”.
Recent Example
Just last night on my trip back to Savannah from Toronto, I
sat next to an Army Sargent and a new hire Delta pilot. The three of us engaged
in intimate conversation for almost the entire flight from Atlanta to Savannah.
What a blast that was! There were both types
of questions that Mckay, Davis & Fanning (2007) claim is needed for good
conversation. The first is ritual questions that focus on asking basic
questions such as name and where you’re from. The other is informational
questions which focuses on important facts that the other person holds as
important such as experience, beliefs or feelings. (p. 213). The conversation started like this:
Army Sargent: Glad to be going home! (Directed at nobody in
particular which was a disclosure to those around him that he was happy and
nervous at the same time and needed to talk)
Me: So where is home? (Ritual question)
Army Sargent: Fort Stewart. (Just answered the question…no free
information)
Me: Great! So you’re in the Army? (Ritual question)
Army Sargent: Yes I am, and I’m in Emergency Response
(answered the question with free information)
Me: That is awesome! I Retired from the USAF…
Delta Pilot: I was 12 years in the USAF, flying C-130s (free information). What
did you do in the AF? (Ritual question)
Me: I was an F-16 Avionics Technician and an Instructor, So
what do you do now? (Answered question with some free information and asked a
her a ritual question back)
And so the conversation carried on for another 45 minutes and grew more intimate as time went on.
I learned the Army Sargent was going to school to acquire a Bachelor’s Degree,
was very afraid of flying (self-disclosure). This led to me attempting to reassure
him by telling him stories of why my father is also afraid of flying. The Delta
pilot revealed she turned down an offer to fly aircraft for a major
soft-drink company primarily to get space available flights for her retired
parents (self-disclosure). The more comfortable we became with one-another the more
we were willing to disclose more information about ourselves. Pretty interesting dynamic that
occurred and had I not read the material in this chapter I wouldn't have realized the significance of our conversation. Amazing!
Conclusion
I believe that I have better than average communication
skills and I certainly do not lack self-confidence, but what reading through Chapter
14 of Messages has done for me is significant. Significant in how I will pay
more attention to the dynamic of the conversation and understand as the
conversation is happening if I need to shift to more informational questions or
ritual questions in order to either reveal more intimate information by way of self-disclosures
or if it is time to gracefully exit the conversation.
References:
McKay, M., Davis, M., &
Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The
Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
